a royal fit

Hi. I'm just gonna complain for a while. Okay, here goes.

Ever get that feeling where there is a giant bowling ball on your chest? You know, where the pressure is just so great that you can barely breath and you feel helpless because try as you might you can't lift the ball yourself? That's me. What's sad is that it's my husband too. He is putting on a major regional anesthesia conference for his residency program and no one wants to help. It happens once every 20 years here in Tucson, he is in charge and everyone is trying to get out of doing ANYTHING. It's awesome.

I am feeling lost, scared, worried, stressed but most of all TIRED. Even thinking about my to-do list makes me want to crawl under my covers and take a nap. The fatigue settles in and I settle down, unable to do anything. People keep telling me it's okay to rest and relax and take it easy because I'm sick and I need to get well. They say not to worry about the laundry or the toilets or cooking dinner. I don't like doing nothing, I don't. I feel lazy and guilty but I still give in and take their advice hoping that they are right. That I really don't need to take care of any of my responsibilities because I am sick. It works for an hour or two while I'm napping but then I wake up and I feel even worse than I did before. I look at my bomb of a house, stuff my kids with more mac n cheese and realize, I am even deeper in than I was before. It doesn't get better when I sit down and stop and rest, it gets worse.

Now I haven't even come to talk about the move. The unknown plans where everything, EVERYTHING down to the flights, the packing, the selling/renting, even the day we are going to leave is unknown. It feels sickening to me. I am good at "rolling with it." I really am. Not as good as Michael but better than the average woman. But this is WAY too much rolling. I can't handle all of the uncertainty anymore. Someone mail me a calender and a price breakdown and an itinerary. I can't do it.

Yesterday in Relief Society our president taught a lesson and quoted a talk about a kindergartner. The little girl arrived on her first day and was asked to choose her favorite color crayon from a box and right her name. This task would be used as a competency exam. The little girls mother watched her daughter, who could easily write her name and even the names of all her family members, stand there frozen in front of the crayon box. She didn't speak or move or make any effort and was then led to a classroom where the teacher assured her she would learn to write her name. Frustrated by her daughters inability to perform a task that should have been easy, the mother brought up the incident on the car ride home to investigate. The little girl explained to her mother that she couldn't write her name with her favorite color crayon because there was no pink in the box. Our RS president then posed the question, have we ever just stood there when life's box of crayons didn't have any pink? When we are faced with challenges and trials, how do we react? I knew at that moment, and therefore wept until I got up and left early, that I have been standing there staring at a box full of crayons not doing anything because the pink was missing. Rather than choose a different color, I just stare and stare. It's tragic isn't it? My inability to adapt and take care of myself? Why haven't I dropped some of my classes? Why haven't I asked a friend for help watching my kids or cleaning up or packing? Why haven't I stayed home and cleaned as much as I can rather than running away to Target or the mall to escape the mess? Why? Why can't I just deal with it?

Mess. That is the key word in this whole moment of self pity. I am a mess, my house is a mess, my brain is a mess, my kids are a mess. Mess. It's painfully true. Yesterday after the egg incident (if you don't know what I'm talking about check my FB page) I just walked back outside and cried. I sat down and thought. I can't do this. I don't know where to start, I don't want to start and I feel so guilty for doing something so incredibly asinine that all I want to do is disappear. Luckily, when Michael got home he was the exact opposite. He laughed and immediately got the broom. He scraped and scrubbed and swept with me till all of the egg was gone. What a blessing. A tender mercy. A wonderful man. But still, here I am on my couch, snotting it out on my blog because I just can't get it together. No, I'm not pregnant, no, I'm not on my period, that was last week. I am just incapable of dealing. Incapable of asking for help. Mess.

If you can, pray for me. Pray that I can re find the strength that comes to all mothers in that miraculous moment their babies are born. Pray that I can choose a different color crayon. Pray that I can make me some friggin' lemonade cause right now, I'm seriously suckin' on some sour lemons. Pray that I can clean up this damned mess.


Eevi said...

You can do it. I know you can. You are one heck of a woman and somehow you will pull it all together and survive. And I will bring some " sugar" over so those lemonades won't be so sour.

Heather B said...

Prayers comin your way. And you'll feel strengthened! You have a TON on your plate right now. So think of one easy thing, and do it. You'll feel better. then pick another easy thing and do that tomorrow. One step at a time, don't even try to think of everything that there is to be done, and you can still escape out of the house (that is productive in that it prevents more messes at home.) Then go drop a dang class and say NO to substituting. Love you girl. I know you love it with all your heart, but maybe you can taper out of your gym life to help ease the transition when you move...(I'm just making up stuff here to try to help ease your burden.) I so wish I could come down there and help.

Amy said...

oh man darling, if I was near you I would totally come help, I know that feeling, it's so hard to get on top and keep up with all the kids messes they make when you are supposed to rest. I will keep you in my prayers and maybe you should talk to the Compassionate Service leader or BETTER YET your Visiting Teachers and just say HEY I FINALLY need something from you guys. It's hard but sometimes you just have too.

Mel said...

Remember...Red and White make Pink! It's okay to keep doing what you love and what makes you uniquely YOU, but that whole "moderation in all things" will help out. You have a lot going on right now and I will definitely be praying for you to conquer this.

Olga Bogach said...

Girl, I would be super overwhelmed with all these things going on too! It will all fall into places, not all at once, but one at a time, it will start coming together, just hang in there. I will pray for you. Love and lots of hugs

Bridget said...

That sounds so overwhelming. You will make it, somehow. I will be praying for you!

Melissa S. said...

You can do it.......and it's okay to not do everything everyday! You don't want to get MORE sick, but I know the feeling of getting more behind. Sometimes I think a nap sounds so good, but the house is just as messy when I wake up and I've lost 2 hours to do it. Bleh. You need to do my 20-20 plan. It's sooooo lame, but I do it when I'm unmotivated or sick (1st trimester last time w/ Royce). Set the microwave timer for 20 minutes and go clean. Don't stop and do it for the whole 20 minutes. Then when the timer goes off I set it again for 20 min. (or you could do 40 or whatever you want) and go read, lay down or sit on the computer until it goes off again and start over. It's not AS productive as if you just went ahead and did it, but at least it helps me get SOME done.
If I were there I would SO take your kids AND clean your house..... you need that maid service to come. Really, it's worth the peace of mind, plus Michael will be making money soon, right?
Feel better, and you CAN do it. In a matter of a few months you'll be sitting on the beach again!!!

{lindy baker cakes} said...


I love you and will remember you in my prayers. I am so sorry that your feel like your life is a mess right now. You are such a trooper. You really are. I don't have a lot of words of encouragement to give you except that you are stronger than you think you are. I love you.


Silvia said...

I just read this post and it really struck a chord in me, as I often feel (especially lately) that I have plenty of crayons in front of me, but heaven forbid I use any other color but pink! I too, often feel crazy about everything and would rather not deal. Even though you wrote this a few weeks ago and I am just reading it now, thanks for venting, it helped me get off my ass today.
Much love.