11.7.10

things I feel like saying

In high school I had a lot of friends. I don't mean I was super popular or that I had more friends then the next person. I mean I had lots of friends in lots of different places. I had a handful of really good friends. Some I still keep in touch with but others no. I don't know why I was thinking about this but I think the reason I never had a set clique or a set group of friends allll the time is because I can't commit. Just like I can't commit to keeping my life neatly scheduled or my diet on track. The way I can't commit to one design style for my house or one genre of clothing or music. I like so many different things and so many different types of people that I have a hard time saying, "yes. This is it." Just another reason why I should never, EVER get a tattoo and why my husband should feel really lucky. But we'll get to more of that part later. :)

Next. I read a book once called, What the Day You Were Born Says About You, or something to that effect, and in it I made some startling discoveries. I know that horoscopes can't truly be trusted and how in the heck could a nationally published book identify me dead on by my birth date? But somehow, it really nailed me. Mostly normal things that I already know like my need for attention and my jabber mouth. The fact that I like to perform or be in front of an audience and that I am a generally happy person. But then there was this one segment where it talked about me having several admirers. The reason it said several was because of the turn over rate. Apparently I am fun for a little while and then I am annoying or my charisma becomes see through and I'm boring. Whatever it means exactly, it scares me. Like, it scares the crap out of me. Isn't that ridiculous?! I worry about this almost weekly. Every time I teach a class and my attendance is lower than normal I start to panic and think, "what did I do to turn them away? What about myself can I change to bring them back?" It sounds so silly, so self absorbed, so narcissistic and I am aware. But I can't deny the fact that I worry about the people that I love (yes I am implying that I love the people I teach classes to at the gym. It's true. I do love them in a certain way. I digress.) just up and deciding one day that I am not worth it. Bleh. Have I talked about this before? If I have it just goes to show how much it tugs on my heart and brain. Sorry.

Moving on. My husband. He is hot. Did you know that? Yeah he isn't the tallest guy in the world but do you know what? His handsomeness is undeniable! He is built and tan and has a full head of lively hair. By lively I mean not boring or blah or lame. He has a huge grin and straight white teeth without ever having braces, the Cuss. He is intelligent and charismatic and never swears. Seriously. I've never heard him swear. He even calls the Hoover Dam the Hoover Dang. He is the best father and a worthy priesthood holder. He is wise and thankfully not quite sick of me yet. He treats me with respect and equality and has even admitted that he was surprised after marrying me at how smart I actually am. Haha! I just love to remind him of that. Anyway, I am lucky. He isn't perfect but he's pretty freakin' close. I love him. He loves me. It's a match made in heaven.

On a slightly more somber note, my daughter is sick. She is fevered and lethargic and not herself. She is sleeping all day and won't let go of her blankie. She is hardly eating and has no other symptoms besides the fever. There is no cough, no runny nose, no ear infection or sore throat. There is no diarrhea, no rash and no vomiting. She just has this really high fever that is knocking her out. I am so worried. I hold her and rock her and sing to her and cry. She has been falling asleep on my chest, which is normally unheard of. I would do anything right now to take it all away. I would cut off a finger or something just to see her dance and run and giggle again. It has only been three days. The doctor was kind but inconclusive. We just have to wait and monitor and hope she recovers. Michael has been on call for the last two days and hasn't been able to give her a blessing. I just want her healthy. I wish we knew what was wrong. I am sad. I am stressed. I am prayerful.

Josie is here. She has been visiting for 3 weeks and leaves this Thursday. We have had some hard days as sisters often do. Seriously hard days. Like the one where she slugged me in the right shoulder out of rage. Looking back I don't blame her but you get the picture. On the other hand, I can't even begin to describe how lucky I am to have had her here. Since Josie was on her mission while Violet was born, this visit was their first meeting. It was precious. Josie arrived late at night and Violet was already asleep. As Josie and I were preparing for bed we heard her crying. I went in to comfort Violet and Josie trailed behind me. Almost instantly Violet reached out and leaned for Josie. Josie was surprised and happy. She took her out of my arms and Violet immediately laid right on her shoulder. Their relationship has only strengthened since. I don't know how many of you have siblings that are like your best friends. Luckily, I do. And luckily, my kids have an Aunt who is like their best friend too. Except when they have a poopy diaper but hey, that's normal. :) I feel lucky.

All of these things are simple, mundane and a little boring. But they are my life. They are the feelings I have today. The things churning in my brain. It feels good to let it out here. It feels good to know that I have camaraderie with many of you when I open up and pour it out like this. Thanks for being friends. Lots of them. From all different areas of life. It's nice to be partially committed to you through blogging. :)

11 comments:

Heather B said...

I love when you open up and pour out like this. Hope baby girl gets better SOON! I'll be praying for her. I will never get sick of you.
If you want to come take that temple trip this week, I'll be home every day. And I will hold baby girl the whole time. :)

Lindsay Gunnell said...

I was just fishing around the internet hoping to read something inspiring from one of my million facebook acquaintances (let's be honest, they're not all friends. Most=not) or blogging friends. Everyone was so blah, blah, blah. Except you. I'm so glad you are candid in your blog. It is very read and refreshing. Most of my other friends just write lame stuff about their kids accomplishments. Not that their kids aren't awesome and above average and all that jazz, it's just that I don't really care about how many words your two-year-old knows sometimes, you know? I want to know the interesting stuff, the hard stuff, and the deep thoughts. So anyways, thanks for inspiring me.

Camille said...

I'm happy I got to see you the other day but sad I didn't sit down and chat. I thought about how excited you must be to have Josie here and you look so happy after teaching one of your classes. I hope sweet Violet gets better soon. And I love that you're so in love with Michael! Really, what else matters besides loving your man and loving your kids?

becca olsen said...

Oh Kat I miss you are your cute little family! You should come visit soon! When is Michael done? That's so fun that your sister got to come and stay with you! I love reading your blog, I'm so jelous that you can just open right up and write it out.. my posts are like one sentance! That's what i love about ya!

Kory said...

If Michael's not going to be there for awhile you could always call your home teachers. I hope her fever goes away soon, I hate having sick kids.

Logan said...

I loved this whole post, but I feel mostly connected to what you said in your second paragraph, specifically about teaching. I feel the exact same way about teaching dance! I love it so much, I love my students like they are my little sisters, and at the same time I am paranoid and insecure about it all the time. That if every class doesn't end with them proclaiming how fun, educational, and inspiring it was, I totally failed. They'll keep coming back, {because they're required to :)} but what if they don't like my classes as much as one of the other teacher's classes?? It's not about wanting to be the "favorite" teacher, it's about wanting to feel like I am qualified enough, and am truly helping them, or leaving a mark on them in some way. I wish I was more creative in my "lesson plans" (for lack of a better term), or at least confident enough in my abilities that I didn't feel like I needed their approval after every class. It's discouraging at times, but luckily, I have had enough good experiences with teaching my students to want to keep going and improving.

Sorry, didn't think I would go on that long. Feels good to get it out though! Thanks for the opportunity Kat- I would probably never admit stuff like this on my blog/facebook, where my students would actually see it!

Amy said...

I'm with Logan, well besides the first paragraph, I think you will always be one of what did you guys call yourself, "the sensational 7" wasn't it? Haha sadly I wasn't there for that part, but I think some of those 7 still consider you as one of the sensational.

Anyway, the 2nd paragraph, I think I feel that way everyday after Swimmming lessons. I'll have a day where the parents come and tell me how their kids raved all year and couldn't wait to start with Miss Amy, and then the next day I will have a student who cries the whole time, and I think that poor child hates me! what am I doing wrong?

Anyway, poor V, (can I call her that) Fevers are the worst for sure, we will be sending you guys lots of love and prayers. :)

Amy said...

Oh and I like what you said about your husband, I think its good to say positive things about our husbands. I read a good paragraph in July's visiting teaching message about that. Read it, its good.

Melissa S. said...

I HATE it when my babies are sick. It's hard on them and hard on you especially. Hey are WHERE are the pictures of Josie?!?! I would love to see them!

Jeanette said...

Haha I'm sure Michael is thrilled you had to mention his height. Its like me saying, Jason is super hot but he is balding..... I guess they can say we look real good minus our soft stomachs!!

Hope Violet feels better soon, she sounds like she has what Lucy had. Hopefully it doesn't last as long with her. Poor girl!

Sarah said...

Maybe Violet has Roseola?? Brea had a fever that was over 104.0 for three days and had no other symptoms of anything. I was so stressed trying to figure out what was wrong with her. Then her fever broke and she broke out with a rash covering her body. Just an idea!!