Once again I'm laying it all out here. If you want photos scroll down to the next post and you will see a plethora from our trip to Hawaii.
First, I just want to thank my sister Josie. Today we arrived to church at 9:05 a.m. to a mostly empty parking lot. "Hmmm," I thought, "Thanksgiving is another week and half away? Has everyone gone out of town already?" Of course not! It was stake conference! Duh! I guess I must have missed the announcements over the last two Sundays since I was out of town. Anyway, it didn't start until 10 a.m. So there we were, almost an hour early and very poorly equipped to handle the 3 hours we faced. I had one toy car, one puppet, one doll and one small ziploc full of a few candies and a granola bar. I'm not gonna lie, I almost got up and left and drove to the Gap outlet up in Casa Grande (about an hour away) and said, screw the whole thing, I'll go shop myself to hell. Luckily my little missionary sister gave me a rather disapproving look and I was silently guilted into staying. Not only did she save my salvation, she saved my brain from exploding. She is so quick to know what to do these days that I am starting to think I should be taking mothering tips from her. I have never, EVER seen an aunt who even came close to rivaling Josie. I owe her so much for all she's done while living here. I almost can't stand to think about her leaving to BYU in January. :(
You know I rarely get embarrassed. I mean very rarely. When people ask me what my most embarrassing moment is I have a tough time coming up with one. Luckily, today, Jack changed that. I don't think I'll ever hesitate again! Stake conference was great, truly it was. The Prophet spoke and it was amazing and I really did receive some much needed personal revelation amidst the "mothering madness". But the best part was when Jack got a little uncomfortable and made it known to all in front or behind us for about 5 rows. After agreeing to take him to the bathroom again he yelled out, "so we can fix my wiener?" For those of you who don't have little boys, don't ask. For those of you who do, you probably understand. Poor little guy doesn't know what to do when he gets so uncomfortable! I just sure wish he didn't have to yell the word wiener during a live from SLC broadcast stake conference. Ah well, what can you do?
I have been telling and telling people that we are planning to start trying for baby number 3 in January. Today, I untell that tell. I can't do it. And you know what? I don't have to. I have been wrestling with this decision for weeks and weeks and especially the last few days. I am down to 8 pills in my last pack of birth control and was left thinking, why not just skip getting one more refill and go for it? This thought seemed reasonable and rational, after all, we were going to start trying in January, what's a month early gonna matter? Turns out it matters alot. It matters so much that I realized January is even too soon. I finally said it out loud today. I said, "I'm not ready for number 3. I want number 3 and probably number 4 but not yet. I can't do it." Instantly relieving people! Instantly! I have been so stressed that my desires to not go for the third at this time are "wordly" or "selfish". I have been worried that putting too large a gap between Violet and the next baby will be awkward for our family as we grow up. I have basically had every worry and fear imaginable and was tricking myself into thinking I was a bad person for not feeling overly joyed at the thought of another child. Turns out, it's all good and I'm not a horrible selfish woman/mother. I can't wait to have the third baby but I can wait until I'm ready and now is not the time. Phew. What a relief!
Jack is so difficult sometimes. Is it just me or is age 3 horrendous for every one of you too? I seriously slapped him today. Across the face. I was buttoning up his church shirt today which is apparently, like ALL of his other clothes, "too tight!" when he suddenly spit on my face. I mean a giant gob of dirty saliva smacked me square in the face and it was intentional, SO INTENTIONAL. I didn't hesitate, I smacked my hand right across his face. I don't think I've ever been so sure of such a severe punishment (obviously! I mean, I'm posting it right here on my public blog for heavens sakes!). It was bananas! The whole situation. The whole thing. I still can't believe it. He is so difficult for me these days. It's funny how a week away can make you miss your kids like CRAZY and then just a few days after being home you find yourself thinking, "I need to get away." I know I sound like a terrible mom right now to some of you angelic women out there but I can't help but keep it real. I get frustrated, angry, upset, annoyed and frazzled all the time. Sure I'm better when I read my scriptures, pray, attend church and live righteously in general. I'm also better as I strive to make a conscious effort to be better but that still doesn't make me perfect. Nope, I'm very imperfect. And lately, Jack has been bringing out the most imperfect sides of me. It hurts me to know that I am lacking and slacking and failing. It also hurts me to see his behavior become so negative and bad. I am also very aware of the fact that my behavior DIRECTLY effects his. I'd say 99% of the time he is mirroring back to me my own badness. Sucks dude. Definitely something to work on. I mean, something to really, really focus on. And before all of you parenting experts out there start to comment and give me advice, save it. I'm not in a place to take it happily right now and it will just make me think that you think you're better than me. Harsh and true.
So now that Negative Nancy is totally out of the bag, I don't know what else to say. There are so many good things in my life right now I just sometimes choose to blog the hard parts. That's all this is and if these are the worst parts of my life that I have to blog, well then, the glass truly is half full, maybe even more full than that.