14.11.10

blog therapy

Once again I'm laying it all out here. If you want photos scroll down to the next post and you will see a plethora from our trip to Hawaii.

First, I just want to thank my sister Josie. Today we arrived to church at 9:05 a.m. to a mostly empty parking lot. "Hmmm," I thought, "Thanksgiving is another week and half away? Has everyone gone out of town already?" Of course not! It was stake conference! Duh! I guess I must have missed the announcements over the last two Sundays since I was out of town. Anyway, it didn't start until 10 a.m. So there we were, almost an hour early and very poorly equipped to handle the 3 hours we faced. I had one toy car, one puppet, one doll and one small ziploc full of a few candies and a granola bar. I'm not gonna lie, I almost got up and left and drove to the Gap outlet up in Casa Grande (about an hour away) and said, screw the whole thing, I'll go shop myself to hell. Luckily my little missionary sister gave me a rather disapproving look and I was silently guilted into staying. Not only did she save my salvation, she saved my brain from exploding. She is so quick to know what to do these days that I am starting to think I should be taking mothering tips from her. I have never, EVER seen an aunt who even came close to rivaling Josie. I owe her so much for all she's done while living here. I almost can't stand to think about her leaving to BYU in January. :(

You know I rarely get embarrassed. I mean very rarely. When people ask me what my most embarrassing moment is I have a tough time coming up with one. Luckily, today, Jack changed that. I don't think I'll ever hesitate again! Stake conference was great, truly it was. The Prophet spoke and it was amazing and I really did receive some much needed personal revelation amidst the "mothering madness". But the best part was when Jack got a little uncomfortable and made it known to all in front or behind us for about 5 rows. After agreeing to take him to the bathroom again he yelled out, "so we can fix my wiener?" For those of you who don't have little boys, don't ask. For those of you who do, you probably understand. Poor little guy doesn't know what to do when he gets so uncomfortable! I just sure wish he didn't have to yell the word wiener during a live from SLC broadcast stake conference. Ah well, what can you do?

I have been telling and telling people that we are planning to start trying for baby number 3 in January. Today, I untell that tell. I can't do it. And you know what? I don't have to. I have been wrestling with this decision for weeks and weeks and especially the last few days. I am down to 8 pills in my last pack of birth control and was left thinking, why not just skip getting one more refill and go for it? This thought seemed reasonable and rational, after all, we were going to start trying in January, what's a month early gonna matter? Turns out it matters alot. It matters so much that I realized January is even too soon. I finally said it out loud today. I said, "I'm not ready for number 3. I want number 3 and probably number 4 but not yet. I can't do it." Instantly relieving people! Instantly! I have been so stressed that my desires to not go for the third at this time are "wordly" or "selfish". I have been worried that putting too large a gap between Violet and the next baby will be awkward for our family as we grow up. I have basically had every worry and fear imaginable and was tricking myself into thinking I was a bad person for not feeling overly joyed at the thought of another child. Turns out, it's all good and I'm not a horrible selfish woman/mother. I can't wait to have the third baby but I can wait until I'm ready and now is not the time. Phew. What a relief!

Jack is so difficult sometimes. Is it just me or is age 3 horrendous for every one of you too? I seriously slapped him today. Across the face. I was buttoning up his church shirt today which is apparently, like ALL of his other clothes, "too tight!" when he suddenly spit on my face. I mean a giant gob of dirty saliva smacked me square in the face and it was intentional, SO INTENTIONAL. I didn't hesitate, I smacked my hand right across his face. I don't think I've ever been so sure of such a severe punishment (obviously! I mean, I'm posting it right here on my public blog for heavens sakes!). It was bananas! The whole situation. The whole thing. I still can't believe it. He is so difficult for me these days. It's funny how a week away can make you miss your kids like CRAZY and then just a few days after being home you find yourself thinking, "I need to get away." I know I sound like a terrible mom right now to some of you angelic women out there but I can't help but keep it real. I get frustrated, angry, upset, annoyed and frazzled all the time. Sure I'm better when I read my scriptures, pray, attend church and live righteously in general. I'm also better as I strive to make a conscious effort to be better but that still doesn't make me perfect. Nope, I'm very imperfect. And lately, Jack has been bringing out the most imperfect sides of me. It hurts me to know that I am lacking and slacking and failing. It also hurts me to see his behavior become so negative and bad. I am also very aware of the fact that my behavior DIRECTLY effects his. I'd say 99% of the time he is mirroring back to me my own badness. Sucks dude. Definitely something to work on. I mean, something to really, really focus on. And before all of you parenting experts out there start to comment and give me advice, save it. I'm not in a place to take it happily right now and it will just make me think that you think you're better than me. Harsh and true.

So now that Negative Nancy is totally out of the bag, I don't know what else to say. There are so many good things in my life right now I just sometimes choose to blog the hard parts. That's all this is and if these are the worst parts of my life that I have to blog, well then, the glass truly is half full, maybe even more full than that.

18 comments:

Kirsten said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dani said...

Amen. I have to say that the whole time I was reading this post I was thinking, "yeah, me too." Except the part about ditching conference and going to gap. We were there, with our onery 18 month old. We also were going to start trying in Jan for our third and the last month I've realized, no way. I'm not ready for another. And I'm fine with it and don't feel the least bit guilty. The time will come. And I like that you keep it real. I struggle with blog world because everyone edits their pictures and posts the good things and makes it look like perfection when reality is anything but perfect. It's refreshing to read a blog you can totally relate to!

Heather B said...

I had set my heart on having Annie and baby #3 three years apart. I had no desire to get pregnant, even when Samuel started pressuring me, for a long time. I just started to pray to know when the time was right. And a little more time went by, and then all of a sudden, I was ready to say goodbye to my getting-fit body. Yours is of course, as seen below in those pics, smokin hot, and would be even harder to say goodbye too. :) But you'll know when the time is right, don't force it until you feel it. Hope I get to see you tomorrow. :)

Amy said...

I don't have a 3 year old, BUT I did nanny my sisters 3 year old 3 day's a week all day, AND I TOTALLY AGREE.
He was soo so so so hard. He went from being this ANGEL of a little boy, to being close to a monster. However, I will say, he turned 4 and is sooo much better now. And back to his sweet self. Its something with the age, hang in there! I dread the 3's with Axel.

I couldn't agree more with you on waiting for baby number 3, until YOU are ready, as you know pregnancy takes such huge a part out of us. We kinda loose ourselves for the sake of those growing jelly beans, and as wonderful as the good parts are, there are still numerous hard parts. This pregnancy has been uber hard for me. Much harder than when I was pregnant with Axel, and I have told myself that next baby we will give it a year or two more gap because of how hard it has been.

Ash said...

Oh my goodness...I am TERRIFIED of having a 3 year old. :-/ And not just from stories about nephews or nieces, but because you see them in public and it is just not a good stage. I might send ours off to live with grandparents for the year! Or maybe an early pre-school boarding school...in Switzerland!!

Jeanette said...

You are a great mom, who like anyone else, is not perfect and that is okay. Just breath and count to 10, or maybe just 5,until you decide how to react to all the rotten behavior!! I love you!

Melissa S. said...

Okay, I DON'T mean to laugh outloud at Jack's comment in conference but my boys have said VERY similar things.......and loud too......but in my case, I'm safe because it's in Spanish. :) But I thought what would've made it MORE embarrassing for you.....what if it WASN'T a broadcast and the prophet WAS there in person with all his people.?!?! That would make me laugh more.
And as far as the spitting goes.... well sometimes we moms just do the FIRST thing that comes to us after something like that. I don't think it was a spitting incident here, but it was something like that...intentional....disrespectfuland mean....I don't remember anything but just yanking Camden's hair so his face was RIGHT by mine so we could talk and the only thing he said to me was, "Mom, you almost ripped off my head!" :) I remember thinking he deserved it, and didn't really feel bad. When I told Brooks what happened he started laughing at what Camden said. Looking back I guess it is pretty funny, but at the time, I did what any human would do. :)
3 is a super super super fun age...but now that they can talk more, it becomes sometimes harder then most ages. Aleeya is there now, and hanging out with her is the best....however defiance IS her middle name now....more so then some of my other kids.
Oh, yes, I'm writing a novel, but I was JUST writing in my journal myself saying how I HATE how the kids can sense when I'm low on patience/bugged/onery/energy/uncomfortable etc. and act the same. It definitely stinks that kids DO react accordingly....especially when we're most vunerable.
Your comments to me were sweet and uplifting on my blog. Thanks. It's nice to hear sometimes....ok, ok, all the time. But keep in mind, no one is perfect and thank GOODNESS we have a lifetime to get some of these things right!!! I seriously don't think that one day I could EVER become perfect (next life, obviously) w/o being a parent because it SURE can test and try you. In fact it's REALLY good at showing us our weaknesses....that bites sometimes. :)
And you don't ever have to worry about parenting advice coming from me! I HATE it how everyone is so fast to offer it (good intentions I know), but when you don't ask and when it's from people that you don't want it from, I just tune it out.
Love ya

Melissa S. said...

ha ha ha! I just posted that and it gave me an error saying it was "too large" a comment. Never had THAT happen before. Man, I should just be quiet sometimes. :) My house would be a LOT more peaceful if I did.

Jene and Megan said...

Eric has been a direct copy cat the past month or two...it really does make you stop and think about what you say or do infront of him! Not that we do anything or say anything really bad but just simple things that I don't even think about! Being a parent is hard stuff...love it but it's tough!

Maureen said...

Kat, still think your an amazing mom-if you want to hear mine, call anytime! ;) It gets better, promise
lots of love, hello to Josie
love,
Maureen

Eevi said...

We aren't even in the terrible twos or threes and Saku is quite the handful, so I cant wait to see how things will be in a year...It makes me wonder if I'm not doing something right or letting him get away with too much. Oh if there would be easy fixes for parenting:)

I think we get too caught upon what we "should" be doing such as having kids certain age apart and you are one smart woman to make sure that you are ready.

Camille said...

What kills me about the threes is always looking like a fool in public. No discipline trick works anymore and so my kid talks back, runs away, and laughs at me--all while people are usually watching. The only thing that works now is taking away Trevor's beloved peanut butter and honey sandwiches. And we're not ready for number three either. I almost wish we would just have an accident because I don't think either of us will be willing to take the plunge until Haley is five...and then we'll say it is too late.

Carmen said...

Bwhahaha! LOVE the weiner story! My kid is always talking about, singing about, or adjusting his junk in some way that I am becoming immune. I think all kids are particularly defiant at this age and my own knows exactly how to test every ounce of patience I have...on another note, you look super fab in the bikini, glad you all had a great time!

saraH said...

oh no kat...my daughter just turned 3...u mean it's not gonna get better? YIKES.

but thank you for your honesty, and i think you are an amazing person, and an amazing mother. I so wish we lived closer, i think we would be best friends like the old times. well i don't know about you but that's what i think/hope anyway haha. and i'm right now debating whether to have more kids or not and i feel selfish everytime i think i don't want anymore because i want some me time.

p.s: i'm so happy you use the word plethora! my husband and i are the only ones i know that use that word until now! :)

Lindsay Gunnell said...

Can you send some of that baby relief over my way? I am a nervous wreck thinking about when we are going to start having kids...and we haven't even had #1!! It's just hard to think you're a good parent/person when you put those things off--I totally know how that feels. But we aren't bad people...we're doing what feels right for US. That doesn't make it less hard, though. So thanks for the honest thoughts :)

Ashley and Chris Miles said...

Wow everyone has so much to say I love it. I just wanted to say you look smashing in a bikini I mean you totally rocked it. Must be nice :)

Karly said...

Kat, I love your post Mormon and misunderstood. Your awesome and an example to us all.

Nyberg Family said...

Is it bad that when people tell me that they're thinking about having another baby I go "DON'T DO IT!"? lol There's nothing more rewarding than children, but I really think Heavenly Father tricks us into this kind of thinking, otherwise we'd never want to go thru labor, be extremely sore after it, or sleep deprived to the point of not being able to see straight! Anyway, you'll know when it's right etc..etc..etc. Now for my "mommy just reacted moment." For whatever reason, between 2 and 3, my children decide that they need to throw fits every time I try to strap them into their car seats. Well, one of the times I just happened to have a nightmare of an experience at the grocery store and was packing the two boys in, mind you I was 30 weeks pregnant at the time with a beach ball of belly, and Ben was pitching a full out kicking tantrum, kicking me in the belly over and over again. I had no idea what to do, my arms were being used to try and restrain him enough to get the seat belt on, so I did the only thing I could think of to do. I bit him. I bit him HARD! It worked, he immediately stopped fighting. Of course later that day I saw a bruise outlining my teeth, I felt bad, but there really wasn't anything else to do. He just looked like a Twilight Vampire bit him for a while. Awesome. I know.