george costanza

*Lotsa words. My blog. Read if you wish.

If you are a Seinfeld watcher then surely you remember the episode where George does the exact opposite of everything he thinks he should. He ends up with a hot girlfriend and a new job with the Yankees among countless other things. It is like his natural instinct is constantly wrong and the perfect remedy is the last thing he would do. Genius.

Lately, I am George. I keep running with my natural instincts only to find out it is the exact opposite of what I should have done. I feel frustrated that I am messing up but even more frustrated that if I would ignore myself, I would be successful in whatever it is I am trying to do. Is this even making sense?

On Monday morning I took the kids to the doctor thinking they were severely sick with ear infections, strep throat, or the plague. Whichever. All terrible and all were sure to be afflicting my children. I needed them healed. I needed them well. I paid the thirty dollar copay and guess what? They have colds. Like, "oh I can't go out tonight Bobby, I have a cold." That's it. Lame. Guess I should have considered them a little more before rushing to the doctor.

We are heading out of town to Tennessee soon and I need a Zumba sub at one of my gyms. I sent out a nice email about 3 weeks ago requesting a substitute and nothing came of it. I sent another email out about 1 week ago and I was mean. I said something like, "surely someone can help me out seeing as how I have helped several of you out many, many times." Let's just say, no one jumped at the chance to sub my class. Hmm. Wonder why? What was I thinking? Yes Kat, be mean and someone will want to help you. That works everytime!

Anyway, my point is this, the last couple of weeks have been rough. The kids have been sick and sleeping poorly. Michael took a weekend surf trip (which he totally deserved and needed btw!) which left me struggling with the kids. Plus he has been on call sooooo much lately that there was about a week and a half period where we counted about 3 total hours that he had seen the kids. I was left emotionally drained, physically drained and due to alllllll of my yelling, also spiritually drained. Instead of dropping to my knees, repenting, picking myself back up, finding strength and all the right things to do, I sulked. I boo hood for myself for hours on end. I made several pitiful phone calls to my mom and a few to friends. I convinced myself that I needed help, something, someone. It was pathetic. Real. But also a little over the top. Over the top? No! Not Kat!

I made lots of small stupid decisions that left me looking and sounding like an idiot. I feel dumb but I also feel smarter. If you can't learn from your own idiocy then you really are an idiot. In the last couple of days I have done what the last weeks me wouldn't have. I have done the opposite of what Pathetic Kat would want me to do and it has paid off. I am happy again. Hallelujah! My kids seem happier too even though they are STILL sick. My phone conversations are pleasant rather than tragic and my spiritual well is filling up by the minute. Life is good now that I have it figured out.

Let me ask you guys, do you ever do this? Do you ever put the heel of your hand to your forehead and scream, "why did I do it?!" Do you ever wake up from a bad week like it was a nightmare and say, "who was that girl in that awful dream?" Now you know the reason for all my overly emotional posts. Now you know why I have been absent. Because I have been consumed by myself. Sure am glad that's over.


Eevi said...

Yes, I have done the whole "sulking" dealio several times and fortunately, Troy told me to turn to the scriptures because nothing else was really helping out. Sometimes it is just hard to get up when you feel so down. I'm glad you are doing better. Now I just hope your kiddos start feeling better, too. Thanks for your honest posts. They always help to get a good perspective on life and make me feel like I'm not the only one who struggles every now and then.

Lindsay Gunnell said...

Blah. I do this all the time. The pity-partying. The woe is me-ing. The "life couldn't get any worse" thinking. The "why doesn't anyone love me" bit. Yup. Been there. That is what passionate people do. Everything is superlative. But it also makes the highs really high, even if the lows are really low.

Glad you're back. And if you ever need to rant, you can always call! Just like me, I know you won't mean everything you say. Love you and your inspiration!

becca olsen said...

Kat, I love how you can put to words what everyone feels.. I love your blog.. and you of course! I'm glad things are better. I wish we lived closer! Give the kiddo's a kiss from me!

Sarah said...

So what did you do to make yourself happy again?? spill the secrets! Sometimes when I'm in a mood its so hard to put on fake happy face and teach Zumba, but by the time I'm half way through my class, the smile isn't fake anymore!

{lindy baker cakes} said...

ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!! I have lost my patience one too many times in the last week. My next door neighbors are so freaking loud! One night I just lost it and pounded on their door (after several pounds on the wall because we're in town homes). They didn't answer. Figure. So I went home and wrote a nasty letter to them and put it on their front porch. In the morning when I woke up and my mind had cleared somewhat I thought to myself, "What the heck did I do last night?" I went to the get the letter and it was gone. The neighbors were outside and I felt sooooo dumb! I should have waited until I was in my right mind and then calmly talked to them...again. Anyway, this is COMPLETELY different than what you were talking about, but I agree that I am a definite nightmare sometimes. Oh well, you live and you learn. Love you. I hope you're doing better!

Heather B said...

I love that you taught me this- it's harder to do than I thought! I keep trying though, because I'm convinced George was on to something. :) Sadly though, Samuel still wouldn't come to Vegas with me. I made the drive alone last night- the kids did pretty good. He told me he is going to the temple today. Good. He needs it as bad as I did. It was wonderful to see you. Thanks for everything.

Leah said...

Girl it is perfectly ok to throw yourself a pitty party! I have those type of parties too. I remember just a couple of months ago I posted mine to my facebook notes. I was having a really hard time too right after having my 3rd little one and my husband working a new job with a weird schedule. I was feeling really depressed and lonely. But I pulled my self out of it, (well lets say Zoloft pulled me out of it) and I'm doing great now. I still have hard days but I can now handle them better than I use to. If there is a mom out there that has never thrown a pitty party then I would love to meet her! I doubt THAT will ever happen.

Olga Bogach said...

Oh I love you Kat! I swear, every time I read your blog it makes me learn a lot about myself. Strange, huh? You are awesome and I am so glad you are feeling better. I totally agree, often times it's just our own attitude or hormones... But how awesome it feels when we overcome them!

saraH said...

Even though I don't get your previous post about the cinammon roll boobs(do you mean they're soft and saggy?), I get what u mean with this. When I'm tired and kids are cranky I get so mean! then I feel terrible and I;m like who the heck was that mean mom? and i feel terrible.

I'm glad you're happy again. When we change our attitude it is always better. easier said than done however. ;) i miss when you used to call me all the time when youhad problems! you used to call me dr.pepper or phil or something like that. anywho I want you to know that even though it's been ages since we talked, you can call me anytime, I still give good advice. (at least my friends still think so.) just fb me with your # or something and i'll call u in a heartbeat!