*Lotsa words. My blog. Read if you wish.
If you are a Seinfeld watcher then surely you remember the episode where George does the exact opposite of everything he thinks he should. He ends up with a hot girlfriend and a new job with the Yankees among countless other things. It is like his natural instinct is constantly wrong and the perfect remedy is the last thing he would do. Genius.
Lately, I am George. I keep running with my natural instincts only to find out it is the exact opposite of what I should have done. I feel frustrated that I am messing up but even more frustrated that if I would ignore myself, I would be successful in whatever it is I am trying to do. Is this even making sense?
On Monday morning I took the kids to the doctor thinking they were severely sick with ear infections, strep throat, or the plague. Whichever. All terrible and all were sure to be afflicting my children. I needed them healed. I needed them well. I paid the thirty dollar copay and guess what? They have colds. Like, "oh I can't go out tonight Bobby, I have a cold." That's it. Lame. Guess I should have considered them a little more before rushing to the doctor.
We are heading out of town to Tennessee soon and I need a Zumba sub at one of my gyms. I sent out a nice email about 3 weeks ago requesting a substitute and nothing came of it. I sent another email out about 1 week ago and I was mean. I said something like, "surely someone can help me out seeing as how I have helped several of you out many, many times." Let's just say, no one jumped at the chance to sub my class. Hmm. Wonder why? What was I thinking? Yes Kat, be mean and someone will want to help you. That works everytime!
Anyway, my point is this, the last couple of weeks have been rough. The kids have been sick and sleeping poorly. Michael took a weekend surf trip (which he totally deserved and needed btw!) which left me struggling with the kids. Plus he has been on call sooooo much lately that there was about a week and a half period where we counted about 3 total hours that he had seen the kids. I was left emotionally drained, physically drained and due to alllllll of my yelling, also spiritually drained. Instead of dropping to my knees, repenting, picking myself back up, finding strength and all the right things to do, I sulked. I boo hood for myself for hours on end. I made several pitiful phone calls to my mom and a few to friends. I convinced myself that I needed help, something, someone. It was pathetic. Real. But also a little over the top. Over the top? No! Not Kat!
I made lots of small stupid decisions that left me looking and sounding like an idiot. I feel dumb but I also feel smarter. If you can't learn from your own idiocy then you really are an idiot. In the last couple of days I have done what the last weeks me wouldn't have. I have done the opposite of what Pathetic Kat would want me to do and it has paid off. I am happy again. Hallelujah! My kids seem happier too even though they are STILL sick. My phone conversations are pleasant rather than tragic and my spiritual well is filling up by the minute. Life is good now that I have it figured out.
Let me ask you guys, do you ever do this? Do you ever put the heel of your hand to your forehead and scream, "why did I do it?!" Do you ever wake up from a bad week like it was a nightmare and say, "who was that girl in that awful dream?" Now you know the reason for all my overly emotional posts. Now you know why I have been absent. Because I have been consumed by myself. Sure am glad that's over.