26.9.09

an apple a day












Today we went to a pick-your-own apple orchard. It turned out to be a really nice time and now I have enough Granny Smiths to make another apple pie. If any of you Tucson ladies want a slice it will be done sometime tomorrow evening. ;)

Anyway, I have been realizing some things lately. I don't want to end up sounding like Debbie Downer but I need to be real right now.

I am sad. Not depressed and need to take medication sad (which there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with) more like unfulfilled sad. Before any of you gasp and think, "she is the mother of two beautiful children, how could she be unfulfilled?!" let me explain.

I am a firm believer in being happy no matter where you are or what you have but that has been a real test for me lately. I have been forced to change alot of things and it is starting to wear me out.

These things I am talking about are small but when all added up together, they really make a difference. Things like, having an even tighter budget than before, less-exercising, no dieting and less time to craft and create.

With the two kids I have less time to do anything besides clean and mother and normal house hold stuff. All of my sewing and re-upholstering and decorating is never going to happen at this rate. With my milk supply being low I am stagnant in getting my body back because I can't diet. Plus I can't do my usual regular and rigorous workouts, which I personally really enjoy. And with the new house, we are loving it, totally loving it, but it is expensive. Everywhere you turn there is another thing that is an added necessary expense which leaves little in the "just for funsies" piggy bank.

These extra strains on top of the fact that Michael is gone so much, and I live in Tucson (Let's be honest, I'm never going to be a Tucsonian! Or is it Tucsonite?) are so hard for me right now. So there you have it. I feel like I am losing out on opportunities to do the things that make me, well, me. I am so sad about it. And at this moment I want to type the words, "I don't know what to do," but then that would be a lie, because I know what to do. I need to take a break.

I don't mean, leave my husband and put the kids in daycare and runaway break. I simply mean, a couple of days kid free, agenda free, budget and worry free, by myself. I don't even really know what I want to do. To be honest, I would love it if Michael would take the kids away so I could be home alone to do the things I desperately want to around the house without interruption. But I think that would make it harder on him. So I will settle for my own getaway somewhere, anywhere, just away.

I don't know why venting all of this on my blog is so therapeutic because I have already discussed this with Michael, my mom and my bestie Jeanette. I guess it's because I am always honest here and I know that I will get support from all of you and advice and love. I just really need that right now.

So after all of that spiel, I hope you enjoyed some of the pictures from our apple adventure today.

19 comments:

Lilianne said...

You better get some time off after that stunt Michael pulled a couple weekends ago!! I'm convinced that even though the hours are long sometimes in residency, motherhood is WAY harder!!

I say go. It's okay to need it and you most certainly do! And if the whole working out thing is really hard on you, just switch to formula. I promise, it won't kill Violet. :-)

Hope you feel a little better. We need to get together ASAP, missy!! xoxo

Jene and Megan said...

Oh Kat! I know how you feel..I really honestly do! Ever since I had Eric, I feel like I'm not me. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Eric to death and I don't regret it one bit but it's hard being a Mom! It's just now starting to get better for me. It's hard to live far away too. I hope you can get a break and do the things you want to do! Hang in there..things will get better soon!

Heather B said...

I think it was right about the same time (several months into "mother of 2") that I talked Samuel into taking the kids to his mom's house for the weekend. That's when I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned (that's what I needed most, but it would have been more fun if it was pedicures, massages, and crafts). Find a way to make it happen. I was SO refreshed after that weekend. Another thing is that I also agree that if dieting and hard exercise makes you feel great (love those endorphins) then make the switch to formula. Could you get on WIC? Family of 4, income limits are around $44k I think. I know how you feel. A lot. Come up here if you want. I can probably talk my MIL into taking the kids and we can just workout, pamper ourselves, shop for clothes on the Target clearance racks, and stuff like that. You're always welcome if you want to come. Love ya. (DARLING PICS OF YOUR FAMILY BY THE WAY!!)

KaSs MiLeS said...

first i just have to say, i love violet's little arm dimple in that picture of the three of you. so so cute.
second, i completely know what you mean. i know that i've only got one child, but i feel exactly how you feel. i feel very unfulfilled and in a weird funk. Something that's helped me is to make an actual list and check one thing off a day. i'm a huge list maker though. it may just be my thing and may not work for you, but its helped me feel a little better. sorry you're going through a rough patch. it wont last forever. Jack will go to school in a couple years. :) kidding on that last bit.

{lindy baker cakes} said...

I just got done talking to my mom about this same exact thing. I swear this blog post was me talking and you writing. I would just have a little addition to the post which says, "I'm CONSTANTLY worrying...is my baby sick, am i getting the swine flu again, she got sick today and was kissing my baby last night!?" I don't know how not to worry and it's driving me BIZZERK!! (Spelling?) I love you and agree that you do need a break. Let me know if you want to run "home" to Utah. Yes, it will always be your home, even if your parents aren't here any longer. Love you.

Camille said...

I hate saying "I feel the same way," but I honestly have been thinking about this too. I've had the blues and along with it comes a whole lot of guilt because I have no good reason to feel down. I have so much in my life but I decided there's nothing I'm looking forward to, nothing I'm really excited about. Maybe it's postpartum depression a few months late. For me I decided I needed a new project so I started a garden in the backyard. Nothing spectacular but a less expensive new thing to work on. Thanks for sharing.

The Ensign's said...

Okay I just wrote a LONG comment and realized we need to just hang out and talk. How does Tuesday after games work for you? Kids can nap here if they need to.

Eevi said...

It's so nice to know that other moms feel the same way that I do. You are given this amazing gift of being a mom, but you also give up a lot. While it is so worth it, every once in a while you just need to feel like YOU. I have loved working out and it has been my escape, but it is affecting my milk supply as well. Take a little vacation!!

saraH said...

oh kat, I feel ya. I am counting down the days of when I wean my baby so I can go visit my friend in baltimore and leave the kids with my husband! whoop whoop it makes my heart race just by thinking about it!

It must be so hard with your husband gone a lot, my husband is gone only 8 hrs. and then he helps out so much. You're such a tropper and a super mom. I miss you!

Bridget said...

Sigh. I feel the same way. I don't know how a big break will EVER really happen, but I need it so much. I think Lili is on to something about motherhood being harder than even a really hard job.

Jeanette and Jason said...

So I still need to write a letter to United about screwing up my flight so bad to AZ, maybe they will gie me some vouchers for it. If so.... we should meet up somewhere and have fun for a couple days!!

Sarah said...

These pictures are precious!!! And dont act like you dont look hot!! You were hot in your swimsuit at like eight months pregnant!!!! You should come visit, so all of our babies can get together!

Sarah said...

And i could not agree with you more. I have those days all the time where i feel like all i do is work, clean, and take care of the baby and never myself. There is never enough money and i never do anything for myself. I would love to just take a dance class or piano or violin class. I know it sounds dumb, but its true!!! I would love to buy myself clothes and not feel guilty. But such is life and i do have a beautiful baby, but its still okay to feel like your own life is not fulfilled!!!

Kim said...

I have often felt like both of your last posts! All I can say is that being outside on a good walk or run can do a lot of good (even just for 20 minutes). Also, it sounds like you have a lot of great friends in Tucson, go dump your kids on them for 2 hours. Then, spend those 2 hours doing whatever you want. Your friends won't mind and you can return the favor one day. We all need a little alone time -at least I know I do! And my last advice (all of these things that I'm telling you are just things that have helped me...)is to do something for someone else. It doesn't have to be big but you will feel great. Hope these tips help- I know it was a good reminder for me!

Carmen said...

Isn't it crazy how you make this posting and every mother out there responds with a resounding AMEN! I mean really, when we signed up for motherhood who actually knew how completely exhausting it would be? Add to it the stresses of being flat broke and things can definitely get a little funky. I must admit that for myself though, sad as it may sound, I would rather be broke and have a bang up body than vice versa..is that shallow? I have been super bummed out about the whole body image thing these past few months. I am at the gym 4 mornings a week at 4:45 and I run 4 days/week in the evening since I'm training for this marathon and I'm STILL 8 lbs. too large. What gives?! I guess I'm not super stringent in the diet department so I am going to work on that eventually but honestly I just wanted to ramble this off so you knew that there are so many of us out here struggling with you. Nevertheless you need to get yourself a little R&R and definitely need to squeeze in some 'you' time. So call up your mom and beg her to come visit/babysit for a week. I'm sure there's got to be some time that she could squeeze it into her schedule. That way you won't have to feel guilty because they are getting to spend time with their grandma and you are getting to regain a touch o' sanity in the process. How's that sound? btw...if you come to the bay area my husband will watch the kids and I'll take you to my most favorite day spa ever(I even have a freebie 2-for-1 deal!)...I hardly need an excuse for that!

Jana said...

I think you should organize a craft night with your other mom friends in the ward. Me and my girlfriends get together every Monday around nine and sew, knit, and do all things crafty. Even if people don't have a project they are working on, they still come to get inspired (oh and to gab... Like we do). We just do it around 9 when all the kiddies are in bed, and hang until midnight (or sometimes later). I have to say, it is the one thing that has kept the ME in the mom that I have become. Some weeks only 2 people show up... Sometimes 9, but we always know it's there for us.

I am proud of you for making sacrifices to nurse. I know how much you love working out. I think it is a pretty awesome gift you are giving your baby, that will last forever. I wouldn't judge you if you wanted to quit... I just wanted to tell you I think you are a great mom who I admire.

Oh and now I gotta go make an apple pie... Great!

Hayley Anderson Photography said...

You're so beautiful! And your honesty makes me jump for joy inside! I love that about you. I wish I had the balls (sorry) to say what you say. Blogs are starting to wear on me just for the fact that it's so easy to make your life look perfect all the while it's making everyone else think their life sucks! I applaud you for being so frank. It's a breath of fresh air.

So here's the deal (I haven't read any of the other comments so it's possible you've heard this before...) but I wholeheartedly believe that creativity is our natural medicine that keeps us from going crazy. Do yourself and your family a favor. CREATE! No matter how big or small the project! The point is that you are using your talents and God given gifts. Otherwise it bottles up inside you and you do eventually go crazy. Does it sound like I've been there before? : )

I will shut up now. But DO IT!

Ashley Koz said...

I totally feel you, I love being a mom but I definitely have "those" days. Do you still dance? dancing has been a huge outlet for me as a mom. I go to hip hop just at the gym every wed. night and just that one night a week really helps me feel like me again. I have to repeat what others have said and say I love your honesty, thanks for making the rest of us feel like were not alone.

Amy said...

Oh I feel ya! Today I said to myself, as I sat there nursing my babe, holy crap its two already, and all I have done is two feedings and a quick shower! The dishes are dirty, the bedroom is a mess, the dogs are begging to go outside for a bit of fresh air. And I am still in my Gs. It is so hard to get everything done in one day once kids come along. But I have to say my husband tells me everyday how lucky I am that I get to spend so much time with my son, while he is at work to pay for us. Now, I am not trying to say you aren't grateful for your husband and all his hard work, but I try to remember that when I get all gloomy guss like and remember that I am the lucky one who gets to be home it makes those not so fun chores so much easier. I suggest throwing those babies in a stroller and taking a nature walk and collect things for your fall decorations, like leaves and pine cones. You will get that much needed Vitamin D boost and your kids will have fun.