How I've Changed

I have just been thinking lately about how different I am now compared to before I had Jack. It is so cliche to say that babies change everything but when people say that they really mean it. The list I am about to write could go on for hours but here are just a few examples.

Then:
Wake up in the morning and get ready for school while watching the Today Show and having a leisurely breakfast.

Now:
Wake up in the morning and immediately start coming up with tactics to get Jack to have a healthy breakfast. Fail and feed him Cookie Crisp while watching Sesame Street. Don't get to brush teeth until nap time which is around noon. Ew.

Then:
Try on a hundred different outfits until you look skinny, cute and stylish enough.

Now:
Smell the pits and crotch of what is on the floor. Make sure it fits in the appropriate places ie: boobs, butt, belly and thighs. Proceed to tackle 17 month old in order to dress him in some form of pants and shirt. Fail regularly and allow said child to run around outside in diaper and Converse.

Then:
Lie seductively on the bed waiting for Michael to discover me.

Now:
Hide under covers until gloriously falling asleep and hope that no one finds me.

Then:
Go out on dates to the movies and dinner.

Now:
Put Jack down around 7:30, get undressed down to my underwear and let it all hang out while watching Jerry Maguire for the 10 millionth time.

Then:
Stay out late with friends or at shows just chilling and being cool.

Now:
Get mad when the people upstairs are awake after 11 pm on a weekend. Start wondering to yourself, "who are these hooligans?" Shake your head in disgust at the carnal behaviors that must be commencing at such a late hour.

Then:
Browse iTunes and the internet for new bands and new music daily.

Now:
Get excited when Yo Gabba Gabba has a band that you recognize and feel cool before you realize you are watching a show created for pre-schoolers.

Then:
Go shopping on Saturdays and spend hours trying things on and analyzing your every flaw. End up purchasing dollars and dollars worth of merchandise and feeling good about yourself. Go to local hotspot eatery for post shopping salad (with dressing on the side of course).

Now:
Realize you are too fat for your outdated jeans. Throw the baby in the stroller make a Super Market Sweep dash through Old Navy's super sale section. Grab a size bigger, buy it and speed back home to finish dinner. Try on the jeans, cry at your ugliness, sigh in defeat and rip the tag off knowing you will wear them no matter how ugly just to avoid shopping again.

Then:
Privately clean my nose and shave my legs every other day.

Now:
Pick boogers out of Jack's nose everyday and shave when you have private time. Basically once a week.

Then:
Achieve total and ultimate happiness according to your waist size and the scale.

Now:
Achieve total and ultimate happiness by taking one look at my son.

Cheesy ending. You got a problem with that?