28.2.09

Hey Jerk Store!!!

Dear bladder,

Why are you such a jerk store?! I really think it's unfair of you to wake me up every hour to pee in the middle of the night when I could happily be peeing every ten minutes for you during the day instead. I don't agree with your constant pressure and your impatience when you need to be emptied. Do me a favor and chill out. Then maybe I will get a decent nights sleep. Thanks.

Dear Oil Tycoons,

Why are you such jerk stores? Just when gas prices let up and everyone feels like they can stop converting their cars into Flinstone-mobiles you limit oil refinement and gas prices begin to rise again. Are you serious?! Are you really that money hungry and greedy? Let me guess. Your private jets need their yearly remodel so you can change the current gold plated flushers on the toilets with platinum ones? I thought so. Well guess what, you are a total douche, all of you.

Dear baby quilt,

Why are you such a jerk store? I have been very meticulous and worked very hard and yet you constantly make me seam rip over and over. Why can't you just sew straight? Why can't you just finish yourself and be perfect and cute and without mistakes? Just so you know, it is unfair of you to be so difficult especially since you turned out pretty small and unimpressive. You are a jerk.

Dear bank account,

Why are you such a jerk store? My husband works really hard to keep you full and fat and yet you continue to starve yourself to death. I know that "thin is in" but why do you have to disappear every month? Don't you know that it is unhealthy for you and for us? This has got to stop. Please try and retain your girth for a little longer next month. We could all use a good meal.

Dear butt,

Why are you such a jerk store? I understand the slow expansion due to my pregnancy cravings but is the cottage cheese really necessary? Do you have to add that to the wiggle jiggle and the pasty-whiteness too? Are you trying to do an all out impression of a giant tub-o-cottage cheese? You are getting dangerously close to achieving that goal and I still have two months of pregnancy left. Can you back off and give me a break? Thanks.

Dear Arizona drivers,

Why are you such jerk stores? Is it really necessary to drive that fast, cutting people off between stop lights when you know that the next one will always be red? Is it because you don't value your life? Is it because you are so cool? Guess what? You are not cool and you are a jerk. I hope you get in a car accident with another driver just like you and neither one of you are ever allowed to drive again. Jerks.

Dear Tyra Banks,

Why are you such a jerk store? You are ugly and annoying and unbearable to watch. Why do you act like everyone loves you when really no one can stand you? Why do you insist on invading so many channels on my television with your "smiling eyes" and crappy shows? You are painful and a jerk. Stop. Just stop, everything, all of it, STOP!

I'm sure my jerk store list will be added to soon. Stay tuned for the next one.

12 comments:

Eevi said...

You are so hilariously witty! I love it:) I totally can relate to "dear butt" and "dear bladder"...ahh the treats of being prego

jenna marie said...

dear tyra banks!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhh! all of these are hilarious but seriously how the hell hasn't she been canceled? i watch her and CRINGE.

Lilianne said...

I HATE Tyra Banks!!!!!!! Everything she says is so freakin' contrived. No one likes you! NO ONE!!! "Five beautiful women stand before me, but only one will be ANTM." BARF. Oh man. Thanks for giving me a way to release my dislike for her haughtiness and arrogance and I'm-soooo-cool attitude!

Lilianne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
{lindy baker cakes} said...

Yikes...

Jessica Peterson said...

I too cannot handle Tyra and her "psychological" advice which she gives to sponge headed teenagers and women, they way she can "relate" to fat girls and lesbians, rape victims, cancer patients, abused wives, cutters, anorexics, the blind, the depressed and the impoverished. I hate that she acts so compassionate. I hate that she interviewed a woman who opened her very own porn production company because only men owned them, she actually congratulated this woman because she isn't takin' no mo shiz from men and she is taking over the porn industry.... Although she is selling women to men and their sicknesses. What the bloody freak is that...?

But, what I wanted to say is that her feelings might get hurt if she read that everyone hates her.

go oprah!

Melissa said...

So, um, I didn't get it, please tell us how you feel..........
:)

Jeanette said...

Haha I love it!! But I would take AZ drivers over Ohio ones anyday- they don't even make a right on a red out here (when its totally legal) they just sit there all lazy and fat and annoying. And now Jason is trying to be a "hyper miler" which is so annoying because he goes slower than the speed limit and about 20 other annoying things. Then goes on and on about what kind of gas mileage he's getting. Wow. Take me to AZ red light running capital over this junk!

saraH said...

you're hilarious kat. oh and did u really call that anonymous commentor a weiner? hahaha did you read what my husband wrote back? yeah... don't mess with me or you'll get the wrath of my husband along with it! :D i love you

Amy said...

It sounds like you need a break?

Mo and Tory Reeder said...

Kat you are hilarious... You hit the nail on the head about AZ drivers! I swear, everyday I lived there I said a prayer that I wouldn't die on my way to/from work. It is a scary situation. Can't say I miss abandoned cars along the side of the road but I do miss the warmth...

Keep writing your funny posts..... please! :)

Limasa Family said...

Ok again I dno't even know you but I laughed so hard at this! Particularly about the baby quilt and AWFUL Tyra Banks.