Why are you such a jerk store?! I really think it's unfair of you to wake me up every hour to pee in the middle of the night when I could happily be peeing every ten minutes for you during the day instead. I don't agree with your constant pressure and your impatience when you need to be emptied. Do me a favor and chill out. Then maybe I will get a decent nights sleep. Thanks.
Dear Oil Tycoons,
Why are you such jerk stores? Just when gas prices let up and everyone feels like they can stop converting their cars into Flinstone-mobiles you limit oil refinement and gas prices begin to rise again. Are you serious?! Are you really that money hungry and greedy? Let me guess. Your private jets need their yearly remodel so you can change the current gold plated flushers on the toilets with platinum ones? I thought so. Well guess what, you are a total douche, all of you.
Dear baby quilt,
Why are you such a jerk store? I have been very meticulous and worked very hard and yet you constantly make me seam rip over and over. Why can't you just sew straight? Why can't you just finish yourself and be perfect and cute and without mistakes? Just so you know, it is unfair of you to be so difficult especially since you turned out pretty small and unimpressive. You are a jerk.
Dear bank account,
Why are you such a jerk store? My husband works really hard to keep you full and fat and yet you continue to starve yourself to death. I know that "thin is in" but why do you have to disappear every month? Don't you know that it is unhealthy for you and for us? This has got to stop. Please try and retain your girth for a little longer next month. We could all use a good meal.
Why are you such a jerk store? I understand the slow expansion due to my pregnancy cravings but is the cottage cheese really necessary? Do you have to add that to the wiggle jiggle and the pasty-whiteness too? Are you trying to do an all out impression of a giant tub-o-cottage cheese? You are getting dangerously close to achieving that goal and I still have two months of pregnancy left. Can you back off and give me a break? Thanks.
Dear Arizona drivers,
Why are you such jerk stores? Is it really necessary to drive that fast, cutting people off between stop lights when you know that the next one will always be red? Is it because you don't value your life? Is it because you are so cool? Guess what? You are not cool and you are a jerk. I hope you get in a car accident with another driver just like you and neither one of you are ever allowed to drive again. Jerks.
Dear Tyra Banks,
Why are you such a jerk store? You are ugly and annoying and unbearable to watch. Why do you act like everyone loves you when really no one can stand you? Why do you insist on invading so many channels on my television with your "smiling eyes" and crappy shows? You are painful and a jerk. Stop. Just stop, everything, all of it, STOP!
I'm sure my jerk store list will be added to soon. Stay tuned for the next one.