20.2.09

Heave Ho

This post is just a mouth full of my thoughts. Most are centered around me so don't be surprised if I sound totally self absorbed.

I have been thinking alot lately about how I can be happy and satisfied and who I am and bla bla. I think most of the reason why I have become so "introspective" is because I am hormonal like nobodies business but none the less...

I am a fun person generally. I make people laugh and I try to go out of my way to do that by doing things like over sharing, discussing the taboo and regularly pointing out my own flaws. This makes me easy to be around but only in doses. Michael and I have a secret sign to inform me that I am talking too much. In a public setting he will nicely and discretely touch my shoulder. Before you go thinking he is a jerk know this, 1. I set up the sign because I was always kicking myself for never being able to shut up and 2. if he didn't do this I really would never shut up and no one would want to be around me at all let alone in doses. I still talk way too much and tend to overpower the conversation with my know-it-all advice and been-there-before stories but I can't help it. SO! I have given up trying to change this about me. I will continue to respond to the shoulder touch and I will do my absolute best to let someone else speak but I can't promise I will succeed. Just remember this the next time we get together and be satisfied that I am aware.

The next thing I know is that I am not creative. I am so good at looking at something someone else has done and recreating it or even spinning it my own way but I am not good at just inventing. My mind does not work that way. This rule applies to me in every area: home decor, fashion, sewing, knitting, even cooking or baking. It isn't the worst thing in the world. At least I have some skills just not all of them required to be a self made crafting millionaire featured on Oprah. Although it was really hard to do, I have also come to terms with this.

I am judgmental. Right off the bat I will judge someone to pieces. It's not fair! I hate this about me. I don't know if it stems from jealousy, girl-ness or growing up in Utah but I can't help it. Well, I CAN, it's just hard. I especially hate this because I hate being judged quickly. I know that this problem is the reason I have ended up with my foot in my mouth gagging on my chipped up toe nails. It is so rude and so unfair and I apologize if you have ever been a victim of my judgmentallness. NOW! That being said, this judgmental problem completely vanishes once I get to know a person. After I know you, you could clog my toilet and not say anything and I would just laugh when I found it stopped up with your turds. You could show up teeth unbrushed, no bra and barefoot at my door, asking me to make you dinner and I would gladly do it with love. You could tell me about your train robbing past and your 5 children you put up for adoption in high school and I would still think you were the best person I know. It's just that dang initial thing I can't seem to completely get rid of. So stinkin' petty.

Last thing. My husband's life sucks way worse than mine and it's not fair how much I require of him. He works at least 60 hours a week and gets less than 6 hours of sleep a night. His salary works out to be around 6-7 dollars an hour and he recently got fired from his 2ND job as an online quality rater because of me. He sees his son less than 4 days a week for a handful of hours at a time and his wife rarely has on makeup or anything other than pajamas. He has no friends or family to hang out with and no money or time to travel to see anyone. His favorite thing in the world is surfing and he lives in the middle of the Arizona desert. He is sick every other week and has never taken a sick day because he's basically not allowed to unless he needs to be admitted to the hospital. He works as an anesthesiologist but gets paid less than a nurse and never gets thanked by his patients for keeping them alive during the whole surgery. He is the ultimate pee-on at work and therefore lives covered in upper levels pee or sometimes poo. (Metaphorically of course) He has to do this for two and a half more years.

If you feel depressed after reading this I am sorry. I just feel so much better after saying all this for some reason. I feel by acknowledging who I really am to a bunch of people who know me I can finally just accept these things. It's like blog therapy or something. Do me one favor, or a few actually. The next time you have a major medical procedure that requires anesthesia besides child birth (pregnant women are the only thankful anesthesia patients), thank your anesthesiologist even if you feel like puking or are really dizzy or feel cold or itchy. At least you didn't feel the surgeon cutting you open, poking around and sewing you all up and at least you don't remember any of it. One other thing. Please know that I really am a happy loving person that you can always turn to and know that I won't judge you. It's just that initial walking down the street moment that I originally judged you and now I love you no matter what. Next, sorry if I talk too much but at least now you know that I know it. And last, since I know that I am un-original and my creations are a little un-inspired you can stop feeling bad for me and fake complimenting my stuff. Phew, I feel so good, like I just took a big dump. :)

17 comments:

Summer said...

Oh Kat I just love you. I wish you lived close to me. There's not many gals with your honesty and humor. Is it just Utah? So many gals I meet seem so um don't want to say superficial, just don't open themselves up easily. Kind of hard to make friends when all anyone wants to talk about are surface subjects. I love being around people who are talkers....and funny talkers especially cause I find myself rather boring. :) My husband is that way......he'll totally monopolize an entire conversation....but I usually don't mind cause anything he has to say is better than whatever nursery rhymes are consuming my head at the moment. :) Glad you had some good therapy writing this down.

Jessica Peterson said...

dude, i love you. I like that you are who you are, don't change. Don't worry, soon michael will be rollin in da benjamins, pimpen dat escalade, given his hoe phat bling and all.

ruv you too much and miss you. call salime now!

Sierra Prina said...

you are awesome:) Dont say you arent creative because you are! just listen to this post. creativity comes in other ways like writing and being funny. And judging then unconditionally loving is not a crime. Its better then what i find myself doing: being a witch to the people i love most! We are all progressing and its good you acknowledge your faults. I really do love you and your blog!

Lilianne said...

Amen, sista. Thanks for being my friend...I think you're an AMAZING baker (umm...can I please have that cookie recipe? I revel in your baking skills...) not to mention all your other fantastic domestic skillz...

I love you and glad you live right next door. Do you really have to move?

becca olsen said...

kat this post is why i love you!!

{lindy baker cakes} said...

I love you Kat. If it makes you feel any better I have never felt like you dominate a conversation. Maybe because I have the same problem, so when we talk I feel like it's give and take. I agree with Jessica, maybe Michael's salary sucks right now, but man we'll all be jealous when you are sporting the bling. You are one of my best friends because you are so honest and like I always say, "have so much wisdom." Last thing, I think that everyone is judgmental when they see someone for the first time. How can you not be? I think that everyone develops a first opinion about someone and then once they get to know them realize that they were right in their judgment towards them or wrong. Anyway, enough said...I love you.

Camille said...

I love knowing what you are thinking! And no, you don't talk too much. It actually helps people like me who can be more quiet when you always have something fun to say. I think it's pretty funny you and Michael have a signal. Being married has so many perks!

Jana said...

I just want you to know that almost NOBODY comes up with their own crafty ideas. I go to sewing night twice a month with a group of girls and even the most creative of them gets their ideas inspired from somewhere... Be it martha or other craft blogs and such. That is the great thing is that we can see something cute and put our own spin on it and take all the credit. In fact, that baby cozy, that I sell so many of, was actually my photographer friend's idea... I just came up with the pattern.
So don't feel bad- take the credit.
And as for Mikey... He is a trooper, and just think of all the great stories he'll have to tell in 2 years.

Logan said...

your posts are always a great dose of reality in the fake, "look how perfect my life is" world of blogs. I thoroughly enjoy it Kat.

Jeanette said...

I think we all kind of judge people, at least in our heads. I know I do anyway.... I also get super pissed when I'm driving or when I'm at a store and people are so lame and slow with their shopping carts. I say bad things about them in my head and wish they would get their fat butts moving! I don't know who is actually as nice as they act like they are, except of course my husband, gag me! I don't know how anyone can be all nice and not have it be an act. I wish I knew him when he told you about your split ends... now that's a Jason I can relate to!!

As for your craftiness, who cares where you get your "inspiration" from, the bottom line is you can make super cute stuff which is more than a lot of people can say!! And people like me look at your cute stuff with envy and wish that I knew how to use my sewing machine... instead it just collects dust! So anything you make that's not up to your standards for Violetm send my way!!

Jeanette said...

Don't pay any attention to the "m" after Violet, I was trying to type with one hand and hold Nola in the other arm, apparently I'm not skilled enough!

Next time I see you I'm going to have to watch for Mikey tapping you out!

Sharisa said...

Oh Kat, you are wonderful :) Love you

Kory said...

I was thinking that part about the non-creativity and judgementalness about myself the past couple weeks. Pretty much exactly the way you worded it. Kinda weird.

Carmen said...

just so you know, I'm still inspired by your mommy good body blog...there was this rhyming poem or something along those lines...anyway, I was impressed. Can't wait for you to start posting to it again after this baby comes out so the rest of us can get a few tips on regaining our pre-baby bodies. I feel like I've been fat forever!

Olga said...

you are awesome! Miss you..

KaSs MiLeS said...

That's so funny that you guys have a signal. :0) i would set one up with Jerome and then get offended if he used it. i am sweet like that.
Also, every girl is judgemental, at least a little...

Limasa Family said...

I ALWAYS feel itchy when I wake up from anestesia, but am grateful for my drugs, so I don't think I count as a horrible patient ;)