This post is just a mouth full of my thoughts. Most are centered around me so don't be surprised if I sound totally self absorbed.
I have been thinking alot lately about how I can be happy and satisfied and who I am and bla bla. I think most of the reason why I have become so "introspective" is because I am hormonal like nobodies business but none the less...
I am a fun person generally. I make people laugh and I try to go out of my way to do that by doing things like over sharing, discussing the taboo and regularly pointing out my own flaws. This makes me easy to be around but only in doses. Michael and I have a secret sign to inform me that I am talking too much. In a public setting he will nicely and discretely touch my shoulder. Before you go thinking he is a jerk know this, 1. I set up the sign because I was always kicking myself for never being able to shut up and 2. if he didn't do this I really would never shut up and no one would want to be around me at all let alone in doses. I still talk way too much and tend to overpower the conversation with my know-it-all advice and been-there-before stories but I can't help it. SO! I have given up trying to change this about me. I will continue to respond to the shoulder touch and I will do my absolute best to let someone else speak but I can't promise I will succeed. Just remember this the next time we get together and be satisfied that I am aware.
The next thing I know is that I am not creative. I am so good at looking at something someone else has done and recreating it or even spinning it my own way but I am not good at just inventing. My mind does not work that way. This rule applies to me in every area: home decor, fashion, sewing, knitting, even cooking or baking. It isn't the worst thing in the world. At least I have some skills just not all of them required to be a self made crafting millionaire featured on Oprah. Although it was really hard to do, I have also come to terms with this.
I am judgmental. Right off the bat I will judge someone to pieces. It's not fair! I hate this about me. I don't know if it stems from jealousy, girl-ness or growing up in Utah but I can't help it. Well, I CAN, it's just hard. I especially hate this because I hate being judged quickly. I know that this problem is the reason I have ended up with my foot in my mouth gagging on my chipped up toe nails. It is so rude and so unfair and I apologize if you have ever been a victim of my judgmentallness. NOW! That being said, this judgmental problem completely vanishes once I get to know a person. After I know you, you could clog my toilet and not say anything and I would just laugh when I found it stopped up with your turds. You could show up teeth unbrushed, no bra and barefoot at my door, asking me to make you dinner and I would gladly do it with love. You could tell me about your train robbing past and your 5 children you put up for adoption in high school and I would still think you were the best person I know. It's just that dang initial thing I can't seem to completely get rid of. So stinkin' petty.
Last thing. My husband's life sucks way worse than mine and it's not fair how much I require of him. He works at least 60 hours a week and gets less than 6 hours of sleep a night. His salary works out to be around 6-7 dollars an hour and he recently got fired from his 2ND job as an online quality rater because of me. He sees his son less than 4 days a week for a handful of hours at a time and his wife rarely has on makeup or anything other than pajamas. He has no friends or family to hang out with and no money or time to travel to see anyone. His favorite thing in the world is surfing and he lives in the middle of the Arizona desert. He is sick every other week and has never taken a sick day because he's basically not allowed to unless he needs to be admitted to the hospital. He works as an anesthesiologist but gets paid less than a nurse and never gets thanked by his patients for keeping them alive during the whole surgery. He is the ultimate pee-on at work and therefore lives covered in upper levels pee or sometimes poo. (Metaphorically of course) He has to do this for two and a half more years.
If you feel depressed after reading this I am sorry. I just feel so much better after saying all this for some reason. I feel by acknowledging who I really am to a bunch of people who know me I can finally just accept these things. It's like blog therapy or something. Do me one favor, or a few actually. The next time you have a major medical procedure that requires anesthesia besides child birth (pregnant women are the only thankful anesthesia patients), thank your anesthesiologist even if you feel like puking or are really dizzy or feel cold or itchy. At least you didn't feel the surgeon cutting you open, poking around and sewing you all up and at least you don't remember any of it. One other thing. Please know that I really am a happy loving person that you can always turn to and know that I won't judge you. It's just that initial walking down the street moment that I originally judged you and now I love you no matter what. Next, sorry if I talk too much but at least now you know that I know it. And last, since I know that I am un-original and my creations are a little un-inspired you can stop feeling bad for me and fake complimenting my stuff. Phew, I feel so good, like I just took a big dump. :)