why?

I have a few questions I need answered. I think I must be channelling my inner three year old today.

Why do some gumballs taste like soap? Shouldn't someone be taste testing these things and thinking, "it probably wouldn't be a good thing for our customers to feel like they just took a bite out of their Lever 2000 bar. We should fix that!"

Why do some manikins have nipples but no real crotch parts? I mean, why make one end anatomically correct and not the other? Not that I would like to see plastic, flesh colored manikin genitals but I'm just saying...

Why is it impossible to put the zipper back on the teeth if you pull it all the way off? How did they get it on there in the first place?

Why is butter more and more alluring as I get older? I just don't understand how I could eat a whole stick of butter by itself, and yet, I know I could.

Why do you go to the start button on your computer to turn it off or to "end" what you are doing?

Why didn't I think of Redbox?

What questions do you want answers to?

an apple a day

Today we went to a pick-your-own apple orchard. It turned out to be a really nice time and now I have enough Granny Smiths to make another apple pie. If any of you Tucson ladies want a slice it will be done sometime tomorrow evening. ;)

Anyway, I have been realizing some things lately. I don't want to end up sounding like Debbie Downer but I need to be real right now.

I am sad. Not depressed and need to take medication sad (which there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with) more like unfulfilled sad. Before any of you gasp and think, "she is the mother of two beautiful children, how could she be unfulfilled?!" let me explain.

I am a firm believer in being happy no matter where you are or what you have but that has been a real test for me lately. I have been forced to change alot of things and it is starting to wear me out.

These things I am talking about are small but when all added up together, they really make a difference. Things like, having an even tighter budget than before, less-exercising, no dieting and less time to craft and create.

With the two kids I have less time to do anything besides clean and mother and normal house hold stuff. All of my sewing and re-upholstering and decorating is never going to happen at this rate. With my milk supply being low I am stagnant in getting my body back because I can't diet. Plus I can't do my usual regular and rigorous workouts, which I personally really enjoy. And with the new house, we are loving it, totally loving it, but it is expensive. Everywhere you turn there is another thing that is an added necessary expense which leaves little in the "just for funsies" piggy bank.

These extra strains on top of the fact that Michael is gone so much, and I live in Tucson (Let's be honest, I'm never going to be a Tucsonian! Or is it Tucsonite?) are so hard for me right now. So there you have it. I feel like I am losing out on opportunities to do the things that make me, well, me. I am so sad about it. And at this moment I want to type the words, "I don't know what to do," but then that would be a lie, because I know what to do. I need to take a break.

I don't mean, leave my husband and put the kids in daycare and runaway break. I simply mean, a couple of days kid free, agenda free, budget and worry free, by myself. I don't even really know what I want to do. To be honest, I would love it if Michael would take the kids away so I could be home alone to do the things I desperately want to around the house without interruption. But I think that would make it harder on him. So I will settle for my own getaway somewhere, anywhere, just away.

I don't know why venting all of this on my blog is so therapeutic because I have already discussed this with Michael, my mom and my bestie Jeanette. I guess it's because I am always honest here and I know that I will get support from all of you and advice and love. I just really need that right now.

So after all of that spiel, I hope you enjoyed some of the pictures from our apple adventure today.

the running list

Maybe I am the only one but I happen to keep a running list of the things I will buy when Michael is finally a "real" doctor.

I imagine I will use my credit cards liberally and that I will stop feeling guilty for spending money on necessities when they aren't on sale. I will decorate my house with things that I like not things that I re-paint, re-upholster or re-invent. I won't feel confined to shopping the Old Navy, Target and Kohl's sale racks for all of my clothes. I will buy shoes to match an outfit and makeup that costs more than a dollar. My jeans will be tailored if necessary and my hand bags will be leather, not pleather. I will cook what I want instead of the weekly ads dictating our weekly menus. My car will be automatic. Everything. Automatic locks, windows and transmission. I imagine a Mercedes but Michael says they are too pompous. Personally I think they are just the right amount of pompous. It will be a miracle if I actually do get a Mercedes but still...a girl can dream!

I know this all sounds materialistic and petty and shallow but I am just so sick of being on a girdle tight budget. I need some room to breathe! My mom told me that when my dad won his first big case she went out and bought tons and tons of name brand toilet paper. Isn't that hilarious? And doesn't it perfectly describe what I am talking about?

Now before I end this and some of you feel sick by my obnoxious "my husband is a doctor, neener neener" post. I want to just say that I am really lucky and I know it. We are lucky even now, when I feel so "poor" to have what we do. I know I am blessed, I really do. But I still can't help to be salivating over the future dolla-dolla bills ya'll. Shrug.

So tell me, if there were big bucks in your future, what would be on your list?

P.s. I am so glad so many of you came out of blog stalker hiding! I love my new friends!

come out, come out wherever you are

Hi peeps. I have been thinking about doing this for a few days, maybe even over a week or two and now it's time. I am calling out all of the blog stalkers. You know who you are! I don't but you do. I want to know who you are too though, so say something. If you say something, I will post on the blogs that I stalk. Deal? Deal.

Also, I want to point my finger at a few of you. I know this is going to sound bad but some of you, who I love so much, are the worst bloggers ever! I know that life is busy and the camera is broken and you are tired but can you just say hello? Can you just post to let us know you are alive? I mean really! It's not fair! Just like the stalkers mentioned above know who they are, you know who you are too. If you don't start talkin' soon I'm gonna call you out. You know I will!

That's it I guess. Still trying to find the mediocre blogger in me so I can replace the crappy one that's been posting lately.

all my tucson ladies

Hey Tucson peeps. I know it's very late notice but my awesome friend Jessica is in town and she is an incredible photographer. She was here yesterday and took some shots of Jack on a whim and they are priceless. Some of you may remember the wedding she photographed that I gushed about a few months back. If any of you want her to get some priceless shots of your little one call me asap and I will set something up. I'm sure she would be happy to oblige. So dust off your best duds and comb the kids hair and have your pictures taken! Yay!

sad attempt

Hi friends. This is a sad attempt at a blog worthy post. I don't know where the blogger in me has been hiding lately but she must be on vacation. Here are a couple of pictures I just uploaded from the little camera. Michael left this afternoon for a surf trip with the good camera so these little scruffy photos are all I have to choose from.

Here is our little "pajama party" while Daddy is away. Jack and his robots. Baby and her stripes and me in my hair dye stained kava club shirt. At least one of us was having fun.





Only a mom could think this is a cute picture. I know he looks like he rides the short bus but still...cute.


Why is it so hard to get a hug? And why is it even harder to get it on camera?!

in conclusion

I have decided to relax and go to it. You know like that awesome 80's song? Except that song is about sex and this is about nursing so not really the same at all I guess. Hmph.

ANYWAY, I am really grateful for all of the advice that was shed on my behalf. It was all great and very helpful. I now have it sorted out what I need to do and also what I need to stop doing. I am positive that soon this will all be water under the bridge. The best news is that ever since I just stepped back and took a deep breath, the Baby Bean has been doing alot better too. I think she could sense my frustration. In fact, I'm sure of it.

Yay for me and yay for you. All of you. Thanks for the support!

P.s. maybe I'll post some pictures one of these days. If you're interested. :)

i'm losin' it

Losing the baby weight? No. My mind? Only a little. I'm affraid it's much worse. I am losing my milk and I am stressing out about it like crazy (which probably isn't helping the problem).

I am back on Fenugreek and pumping during naps and drinking as much water as I can but really, nothing seems to make a permanent difference. It is so frustrating that I fought so hard to stick with nursing through all of the hard colicky stuff and now here I am, losing my milk. Ugh!

I am getting close to waking up in the night so that I can pump which really is ridiculous! I shouldn't have to do that! I wish I knew why this was happening and I wish Violet's pediatrician had better advice then, "drink a beer before you go to bed." Um yeah, not gonna happen.

If any of you have advice on how to get your milk back then let me know. Or if you have tricks to get a baby to instantly start loving the taste of formula I would be glad to hear those too. I am crossing my fingers that there is a veteran nurser out there who can steer me down a path of success.

my résumé

DISCLAIMER!!!! PG-13 LANGUAGE INCLUDED IN THE FOLLOWING RANT

I just applied for an online job and I had to submit a resume. Let's just say, besides being a college graduate, I really have nothing else going for me on paper. I was so frustrated when Michael and I were sitting there trying/struggling to make me sound good.

My work experience in the last 7 years has consisted of retail, restaurants and gyms. I majored in history and lets be honest, there isn't much you can do with a history degree. I know that I am smart enough for most online jobs but it is so hard to put that on paper when you have the "work experience" I do.

The next thing that is so frustrating is that I can't include any of my real accomplishments. Things like, oh I don't know....

Pushing two bowling ball sized children out my hooha.

Making it nine months, TWICE, without peeing my pants while said bowling balls juice pressed my bladder.

Salvaging an overused nipple without stitches or medical intervention.

Cleaning the poop off of two or more butts everyday for years.

Surviving on roughly 4 hours of interrupted sleep for months while simultaneously cooking, cleaning, paying bills, losing weight and dieting.

Surely you are getting the picture with the mommy stuff but how about what came before that? Things like....

Putting my husband through medical school by working 40 hours a week serving douche bags sweet tea, Bud Light and deep fried entrees. All while taking at least 15 credit hours every semester.

I know that I haven't technically received any awards since I graduated Young Women's. I know that my idea of community service is making a meal after a baby is born or helping clean the chapel on a Saturday. I know that I can't speak any other languages besides "Jackanese" or "Mommy Instinct". I know that keeping a house orderly, clean and running is not really like being the CEO of a major corporation. I know that managing to get both of my kids down for a nap at the same time during the middle of the afternoon is not like being a scheduling manager.

I know all of this, I do. It's not the same but somehow, it's similar, harder even.

I am awesome. Every mother is. It isn't fair that we don't get the recognition that someone who works might because the things we can put on paper sound like a joke in the outside world.* You really have no idea how close I was to listing the bowling ball line under accomplishments! I mean really! It's hard!

I still haven't heard back from the position I applied for and I will most likely get the job but still....You have to admit it's annoying that my skills aren't considered real "skills" outside the home. That's my beef.

*On a sidenote here, I am not saying I want to go to work and have a real job and I am not condeming anyone who does. Just so we are clear.