Hey Jerk Store!!!

Dear bladder,

Why are you such a jerk store?! I really think it's unfair of you to wake me up every hour to pee in the middle of the night when I could happily be peeing every ten minutes for you during the day instead. I don't agree with your constant pressure and your impatience when you need to be emptied. Do me a favor and chill out. Then maybe I will get a decent nights sleep. Thanks.

Dear Oil Tycoons,

Why are you such jerk stores? Just when gas prices let up and everyone feels like they can stop converting their cars into Flinstone-mobiles you limit oil refinement and gas prices begin to rise again. Are you serious?! Are you really that money hungry and greedy? Let me guess. Your private jets need their yearly remodel so you can change the current gold plated flushers on the toilets with platinum ones? I thought so. Well guess what, you are a total douche, all of you.

Dear baby quilt,

Why are you such a jerk store? I have been very meticulous and worked very hard and yet you constantly make me seam rip over and over. Why can't you just sew straight? Why can't you just finish yourself and be perfect and cute and without mistakes? Just so you know, it is unfair of you to be so difficult especially since you turned out pretty small and unimpressive. You are a jerk.

Dear bank account,

Why are you such a jerk store? My husband works really hard to keep you full and fat and yet you continue to starve yourself to death. I know that "thin is in" but why do you have to disappear every month? Don't you know that it is unhealthy for you and for us? This has got to stop. Please try and retain your girth for a little longer next month. We could all use a good meal.

Dear butt,

Why are you such a jerk store? I understand the slow expansion due to my pregnancy cravings but is the cottage cheese really necessary? Do you have to add that to the wiggle jiggle and the pasty-whiteness too? Are you trying to do an all out impression of a giant tub-o-cottage cheese? You are getting dangerously close to achieving that goal and I still have two months of pregnancy left. Can you back off and give me a break? Thanks.

Dear Arizona drivers,

Why are you such jerk stores? Is it really necessary to drive that fast, cutting people off between stop lights when you know that the next one will always be red? Is it because you don't value your life? Is it because you are so cool? Guess what? You are not cool and you are a jerk. I hope you get in a car accident with another driver just like you and neither one of you are ever allowed to drive again. Jerks.

Dear Tyra Banks,

Why are you such a jerk store? You are ugly and annoying and unbearable to watch. Why do you act like everyone loves you when really no one can stand you? Why do you insist on invading so many channels on my television with your "smiling eyes" and crappy shows? You are painful and a jerk. Stop. Just stop, everything, all of it, STOP!

I'm sure my jerk store list will be added to soon. Stay tuned for the next one.

All I am these days...

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Heave Ho

This post is just a mouth full of my thoughts. Most are centered around me so don't be surprised if I sound totally self absorbed.

I have been thinking alot lately about how I can be happy and satisfied and who I am and bla bla. I think most of the reason why I have become so "introspective" is because I am hormonal like nobodies business but none the less...

I am a fun person generally. I make people laugh and I try to go out of my way to do that by doing things like over sharing, discussing the taboo and regularly pointing out my own flaws. This makes me easy to be around but only in doses. Michael and I have a secret sign to inform me that I am talking too much. In a public setting he will nicely and discretely touch my shoulder. Before you go thinking he is a jerk know this, 1. I set up the sign because I was always kicking myself for never being able to shut up and 2. if he didn't do this I really would never shut up and no one would want to be around me at all let alone in doses. I still talk way too much and tend to overpower the conversation with my know-it-all advice and been-there-before stories but I can't help it. SO! I have given up trying to change this about me. I will continue to respond to the shoulder touch and I will do my absolute best to let someone else speak but I can't promise I will succeed. Just remember this the next time we get together and be satisfied that I am aware.

The next thing I know is that I am not creative. I am so good at looking at something someone else has done and recreating it or even spinning it my own way but I am not good at just inventing. My mind does not work that way. This rule applies to me in every area: home decor, fashion, sewing, knitting, even cooking or baking. It isn't the worst thing in the world. At least I have some skills just not all of them required to be a self made crafting millionaire featured on Oprah. Although it was really hard to do, I have also come to terms with this.

I am judgmental. Right off the bat I will judge someone to pieces. It's not fair! I hate this about me. I don't know if it stems from jealousy, girl-ness or growing up in Utah but I can't help it. Well, I CAN, it's just hard. I especially hate this because I hate being judged quickly. I know that this problem is the reason I have ended up with my foot in my mouth gagging on my chipped up toe nails. It is so rude and so unfair and I apologize if you have ever been a victim of my judgmentallness. NOW! That being said, this judgmental problem completely vanishes once I get to know a person. After I know you, you could clog my toilet and not say anything and I would just laugh when I found it stopped up with your turds. You could show up teeth unbrushed, no bra and barefoot at my door, asking me to make you dinner and I would gladly do it with love. You could tell me about your train robbing past and your 5 children you put up for adoption in high school and I would still think you were the best person I know. It's just that dang initial thing I can't seem to completely get rid of. So stinkin' petty.

Last thing. My husband's life sucks way worse than mine and it's not fair how much I require of him. He works at least 60 hours a week and gets less than 6 hours of sleep a night. His salary works out to be around 6-7 dollars an hour and he recently got fired from his 2ND job as an online quality rater because of me. He sees his son less than 4 days a week for a handful of hours at a time and his wife rarely has on makeup or anything other than pajamas. He has no friends or family to hang out with and no money or time to travel to see anyone. His favorite thing in the world is surfing and he lives in the middle of the Arizona desert. He is sick every other week and has never taken a sick day because he's basically not allowed to unless he needs to be admitted to the hospital. He works as an anesthesiologist but gets paid less than a nurse and never gets thanked by his patients for keeping them alive during the whole surgery. He is the ultimate pee-on at work and therefore lives covered in upper levels pee or sometimes poo. (Metaphorically of course) He has to do this for two and a half more years.

If you feel depressed after reading this I am sorry. I just feel so much better after saying all this for some reason. I feel by acknowledging who I really am to a bunch of people who know me I can finally just accept these things. It's like blog therapy or something. Do me one favor, or a few actually. The next time you have a major medical procedure that requires anesthesia besides child birth (pregnant women are the only thankful anesthesia patients), thank your anesthesiologist even if you feel like puking or are really dizzy or feel cold or itchy. At least you didn't feel the surgeon cutting you open, poking around and sewing you all up and at least you don't remember any of it. One other thing. Please know that I really am a happy loving person that you can always turn to and know that I won't judge you. It's just that initial walking down the street moment that I originally judged you and now I love you no matter what. Next, sorry if I talk too much but at least now you know that I know it. And last, since I know that I am un-original and my creations are a little un-inspired you can stop feeling bad for me and fake complimenting my stuff. Phew, I feel so good, like I just took a big dump. :)

Double Trouble

I finally broke down yesterday and went back to the Pediatricians office again. We had been the previous Friday but Jack seemed to have come down with something AGAIN. As I sat there weeping and waiting for the Dr all I could think was, "something's gotta give." Literally. I repeated that sentence over and over in my mind as the tears rolled down my face. Well, it turns out that something did give. Or rather someone gave Jack a double ear infection. Poor thing has never had one before and so last night we started him on his first anti-biotic ever. Hmph. Not really what I was hoping would give but at least we are on the track to wellness. I seriously cannot wait to wash my hands of the last few weeks. I am so over "cold and flu season" and will seriously cut the next person who gets any one of us sick. Honest. I will.

I was on the phone with a dear friend the other day and described my recent state of mind in this way. "I just feel like getting in the car and driving the wrong way in traffic while screaming and watching the other cars try and dodge me." Crazy? Maybe. Probably. Ok, yes. However, unless you are married to a resident and living near absolutely none of your family, 6 1/2 months pregnant, really poor (like broke), sick and nursing the rest of your sick family to health, then don't even judge. Besides, it's not like I did it or ever would. We could never afford the car repairs, or the medical bills DUGH!

As for today. Things are somehow better. My hormones are back under control and Jack has been so sweet. I can tell he is already feeling better and in turn, that makes me feel better too. Michael has tomorrow off and we are totally looking forward to the sweet adult Valentine's dance with free babysitting. Just when it seems it can't get any worse somehow life throws you a bone and you wake up feeling like you can make it through another day. Take a look at these photos and see if you can guess what said "bone" may actually be. What a stinkin' doll face.

Holy S*&%

Excuse my french but can I just rant for a moment?! Seriously do any of you other moms out there miss pooping in private? I am so annoyed today by Jack and my inability to use the bathroom uninterrupted. It's like this:
"Yes it is stinky. You don't need to squish your nose into the stinky face every five seconds to remind me because I know!"
"No you can't flush the potty yet. Please move away from the back of the toilet."
"Yes Mommy is going poo poo."
"No I don't need you to wipe my bum. You can stop trying to, thanks."
"Please don't unroll the whole toilet paper roll. I don't want to wipe my bum with toilet paper off the floor today."
"No blankie doesn't need to come in the bathroom to watch the festivities. Can you leave him in your crib?"
"Yes it is na night time but lets not wrap up in blankie on the floor at Mommy's feet right next to the toilet."
"No honey, I can't hold you right now. Just give me one minute."

I am not exaggerating! These sentences were coming out of my mouth left and right. I can't help but dream of the days when I could come home, sit down and kick it on the can to read a magazine! Argh! Sometimes the little things make life so much harder to deal with. But then again, sometimes the little things also make life so much more worth it. Like the fact that my son randomly tells me he loves me, all the time, everyday. Give and take...always give and take.

The Soup Nazi

Lately I have become a serious soup lady. I don't know exactly why but there are a few reasons. Like the fact that soup is so easy, Jack is likely to eat it and it's so cheap. Plus I have developed a massive canker sore that has only allowed me to chew on the left side and open my mouth about 1/2" wide. It is so far behind my wisdom tooth that I can't even see it. Owie! So soup has become our family dinner staple, much to Michael's dismay. Not that he doesn't like my soups and think all of them are delicious but because he is just sick of soup! Poor guy.

Anyway, here are some recipes.

Healthy Minestrone

2 Tbsp olive oil
1 onion chopped
3 cloves garlic minced
5 cups vegetable or chicken stock
1 small zucchini chopped
1 cup cut green beans
1 cup frozen corn
1 tsp grated lemon peel
1/2 tsp dried rosemary
1 tsp dried Italian seasoning
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can cannelini beans (white beans like Great Northern) rinsed and drained
1 can kidney beans rinsed and drained

Makes 6 servings with 295 cals, 16 g protein, 6 g fat, 49 g carbs

Heat the oil then add onion and saute for about 5 minutes or until tender. Add the garlic and saute lightly being careful not to burn. Stir in broth, zucchini, green beans, corn, lemon peel, rosemary, Italian seasoning, and s&p. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low, cover and let simmer for 10 minutes. Stir in the tomatoes (with juice) and beans. Simmer covered for 30 minutes. Enjoy with freshly grated Parmesan or even croutons.

For this recipe go here:
Baked potato Soup
This recipe was delicious and so easy but I suggest reading some of the reviewers comments so you can make the recipe exactly how you would like it. It is very hearty and flavorful. I love it especially because it is creamy with the half n half but not too thick and creamy.


Similar to CPK's tortilla soup

4 Tbsp oil
5 small corn tortillas
1/2 onion diced small
3-4 garlic cloves minced
1 jalapeno diced small
4 cups frozen corn
1 1/2 pounds ripe tomatoes diced
1/3 cup tomato paste
2 1/2 tsp ground cumin
1 1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp chili powder
1 1/2 cups water
4 cups chicken stock

Heat the oil and cut up tortillas into strips and fry until crispy. Once fried remove half the strips and reserve for top of soup. Add the onion, garlic and jalapeno on top of the strips in the pot and saute all together until tender. Add only half of the corn and all the rest of the ingredients. Bring soup to a low boil and simmer for 5 minutes. Remove from heat and transfer soup to a blender or food processor. Blend to desired smoothness and return to pot. Add the reserved corn and bring back to a low boil. Serve with tortilla strips, cheddar cheese, diced avocado, sour cream, cilantro or any other garnish you would like (I usually just use the tortilla strips and some cheese, so the rest is up to your taste buds). Blending the soup really makes the difference and it's surprising how creamy leaving the fried tortilla strips makes the soup. This is Jack's favorite. He asks for "zoop" all the time! :)

I considered adding my chili recipe to this list but am not sure if anyone would really want it. It is so delicious but is chili really a soup? Hmmm? Anyway, I decided to leave you with the infamous No Knead Crescent Roll Recipe instead. Because who can resist a hot roll with some soup? No one!

Rolls

1/2 cup sugar
1 1/4 cups warm water
1 TBS yeast
Combine these ingredients and let proof for ten minutes or until yeast is creamy.

In a large bowl add
3 eggs
4 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp salt
1 cube melted butter

Be careful not to put the hot butter right on top of the eggs unless you want scrambled eggs. Mix all the ingredients to gether and set aside to let rise. It will take a couple of hours maybe even three until it's nice and doubled. Once risen roll out dough onto a floured surface and cut into triangles. Roll triangles into crescent rolls and place on a greased cookie sheet. Allow rolls to rise again for at least an hour or two until doubled. Bake in a 400 degree oven for 8-10 minutes. Right when you take them out of the oven rub a stick of butter over the top so they stay soft for a long time. I store mine on the counter in a ziploc baggie for days or day, depending on how long they last. :)This is one of those recipes you really can't screw up. Just don't add more flour or try to knead them. The dough will be sticky but it's right, I swear. The only time you need to add extra flour is to the surface you roll the dough out on and maybe a little on top so your pin doesn't stick.

Joy to the World! Hallelujah! Mazel tov!

Michael and I were lucky enough to enjoy a night out courtesy of Mommy and Daddy Bailey! We haven't been out on a real official date since Michael's birthday in October. Is that lame or is that lame? It was the most divine experience ever. We dined and swined (ate like pigs) and it was fabulous. I have no pictures of the blessed event. Not because it was almost too sacred to share but because we were so excited to get the heck out of dodge that we forgot the camera. All I am asking for from you out there in the blogging world is a simple congratulations. It was a real achievement and we feel so blessed and full. Ahhh....

Stuff

Hello Friends! Since it's been a while since I posted and I have been thinking of random things to say everyday for a week I figure I may as well just spit it out. The true test will be if I actually make any sense.

My first random thought it this. Getting married is like legal prostitution. I say this because when you get married somehow you end up so stinkin' poor, but at least you have all the sex. So you trade your pre-marital cash for post-marital a**! (My husband is going to give me a lecture about posting this but eh...)

Next I just want to remind you all of a movie made long, long ago. It's called 9 to 5and if you haven't seen it then you are missing out. It stars Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda and my favorite...Dolly Parton. Check it out if you are in need of a good old fashioned laugh.

The good news is that I haven't gained any more weight since my last doctors appointment. The bad news is that I have gained about 5 pounds more than I wanted to have gained at this point. So much for early pregnancy planning! Sometimes, you just want bacon and what do you do? You eat bacon.

I am still teaching BodyStep classes at the gym whenever I am needed and it is sooo fun. I love the adrenaline rush but hate the low blood pressure drop afterwords. I guess I am making alot of the women in the class worried because another instructor told me it would be "ok" if I went down one riser. Basically people have been worried that I am doing too much and in order to calm them I have to make it appear like I am not working as hard. Funny how old ladies know everything, like what is good or bad for you during pregnancy. I don't want to make anyone angry so I have complied and now only use one riser and try to jump less in order to appear more appropriate. Whatevs...I still love my job.

Speaking of the gym here are two more random things. First, Jack has a viral infection dangit. I love the hour break we get from going to the gym and using the daycare but I hate the illnesses we bring home. The worst part is that I usually don't get it, Michael does! Poor guy has to work like 60 hours a week with a cold that his son gave him.

Second, I had an interesting conversation with a lady in my class a while back and I think I should finally post it. Here goes: We were discussing the due date of Violet and when I told her the 28th of April she was so relieved. She said that it was good that she wouldn't be an Aries. I told her that I was an Aries and then she laughed and said, "Oh, so you know everything hugh?" I told her that of course I know everything but that I had inherited the "know-it-all" gene from my family. She told me that it was definitely my star sign and that her husband was a know-it-all too. I don't think she likes me as much as she used to but that's ok. Now that I have a semi-legitimate reason to be a know-it-all I feel less stressed about it. If you ever need advice on a subject that I know nothing about, feel free to ask me anyway because I am surely an expert! ;) Seriously it all makes sense now.

I know that this post will probably not solicit alot of comments which is ok. It is fairly boring and photo-less so I understand. I guess I just wanted to speak. I have that feeling alot, all the time actually! You would know this about me if you have ever spent more than five minutes with me. Rambling over, baby is awake.